One of the most painful things...

When people prepare you for or teach you about grief, they teach you the stages, what to expect, and how to help yourself get through it. What they fail to tell you about is what is quite possibly one of if not the most painful part about it all...at least for me. It's something no one can prepare you for but I know anyone who is going through the process will at one point, probably multiple times, experience this. It's horrible, almost as horrible as the moment your mom or sibling or grandparent or friend or dad leave you...it's having to remind yourself that they aren't here and realizing that it happened, that this isn't a horrible dream, and that they really are gone. I can't find the words to describe how truly painful it is. It seems so easy to describe but it's not...it's horrible and heart wrenching and breaks me every time it happens which at this point is daily multiple times. I don't think it will ever stop either. I just hate it...I hate that when I remind myself that my dad is gone, that it's not a dream, that it's real...that until I die I won't get to hear his voice, his laugh...I won't get to experience everything that a daughter should get to experience with her dad...I hate that a year ago this wasn't happening, that a year ago everything was "normal"...I hate that I have to remind myself that any of this happened at all.