I'm not ungrateful, but I need you to know this.

I want to start by saying that I have amazing, caring, and supportive friends; without them I would not be doing as well as I am with everything. I am grateful for every single word of advice, every long talk, and every bit of love I get from them. Now in saying what I am about to say I am not angry, I am not ungrateful, I am not telling any one of you that you've said anything wrong whatsoever, what I'm saying is what I'm feeling and hoping it will help you all understand a bit more how I feel.
I have heard a few specific pieces of advice from multiple people, multiple times, ever since my Dad got sick...these include:

• "Pray. Hand it all to God"
• "Don't let your emotions get the best of you."
• "Don't be mad at God/God can handle it."

Now I'm not saying these aren't supportive to people who are grieving, what I am saying is they are not in the least bit helpful to me, and tend to make things hurt a bit more, mostly because I can't explain it all without bursting into tears, and because people don't understand, but I'll get to that later.

For the first and third things listed above, I just need to say, I AM mad at God, I am FURIOUS! I don't CARE if Satan gave him cancer, I don't CARE about any of that! God could have healed my Dad. God could have decided to not take my Dad. I am going to be angry at him for as long as I want. I know it will go away but to those who don't know what it's like to lose your father when you are 20...don't tell me otherwise. Just say you understand, that you know, and have that be that. I love the support, I don't want your opinion, I don't want to be told what to feel...Also, I don't want to pray to God. I don't want to talk to the one who took my Dad from me. For now, the only person I "pray" or talk to is my Dad and quite frankly that's good enough for me. 

Secondly, don't tell me not to let my emotions take over. Don't tell me not to be angry, to be anxious, to be upset...I am allowed to feel this way! Sure it may have been 71/2 weeks ago that my dad died but that is not that long! Everyone's lives went back to normal except for mine and my mom's after the funeral...ours is forever changed. We have to learn to live without a vital part of our lives, and if that includes, pain, anger, frustration...then so be it. 

And not that it is anyone's business, but incase you are thinking that I'm "faking" this (I have heard that) or that I am "seeking attention" or that I am just not "working hard enough" I have talked to a psychologist, I have talked to grief counselors, and I have talked to people who have gone through similar things and everything I am going through is COMPLETELY NORMAL. 

So what I guess what I am trying to say, is I wish more people understood. I know you all mean well, but it doesn't help when you tell me these things. Just let me be mad. Let me be upset. Let me do what I need to do to heal and if you can't handle it, then stay away. Because I am not going to hold back what I am feeling and what I need to do so you are happier or more comfortable. There is nothing enjoyable about grief, about losing your father at 20, about needing to care for your mother at that same age, about living a life that is so different than what you have ever lived before...it all sucks. So bare with me now and know that if I am emotional towrads you, that means that I trust you. Realize that I will get better, I won't always be like this. But for now, my heart hurts, my body hurts, my mind hurts, and I am missing my father more than ever.