In saying that "my heart hurts" I don't mean my physical heart that pumps blood and keeps me alive, I mean the one that holds my Dad in it. The heart that holds every memory I have with him. The heart that holds the longing feeling to hug him, talk to him, and just be with him. That is the heart that I'm talking about. That heart hurts more than I think it ever has in my entire life. That heart has been ripped out and stomped on by this asshole we know as metastic melanoma. That heart has been put through a blender filled with radiation and Yervoy (the treatments my dad received). And lastly, that heart was almost forever broken because I had to watch my dad die.
On the day that my dad died, I lost a part of my heart that I will never get back. I lost the part that found comfort in the arms of her father, the part that dreamed about my wedding day, about my children playing with their "Pop"...none of that will ever happen. All of those hopes, those dreams, they will not ever happen, and that is the part that kills me. Of course my children will know who their Pop was, they will know everything about him. They will know of his kindness, his passion for life, his faith in God and Jesus, his love and enduring patience for the Cubs and the Packers (mostly the Cubs) and most of all they will know how much their mother loved him. But what kills me is that I won't get to see my dad hold them, play with them, do everything he did with me as a child with his grandchildren. I won't get to watch him grow old with my mom, and watch the love they share continue to grow.
I think this bothers me so much because I know what my children will go through, and what they will not know. I've grown up without a grandfather, and I always wanted to know him, but obviously never had a connection with him like I did my other grandparents and it is absolutely devastating to me to know that my children will never have that connection to my dad.
And lastly, the part of my heart that has broken the most is the one who sees my mom in so much pain. I can't find the right words to help her and I know I never will. I cannot comfort her, I cannot help her, I just have to be there, and usually that isn't enough. I hate that she has to go through this, that she feels the way she does, that her heart is hurting too...
With time our hearts will heal, but always missing parts that were filled by my dad. I guess it just makes you that much grateful for what you do have in life, and know that nothing is permanant, and never to take one single day for granted.
I know I'm all over the place, and being super cheesy but that's how I'm feeling tonight and don't think I need to explain myself :) Hope everyone is having a good night!
On the day that my dad died, I lost a part of my heart that I will never get back. I lost the part that found comfort in the arms of her father, the part that dreamed about my wedding day, about my children playing with their "Pop"...none of that will ever happen. All of those hopes, those dreams, they will not ever happen, and that is the part that kills me. Of course my children will know who their Pop was, they will know everything about him. They will know of his kindness, his passion for life, his faith in God and Jesus, his love and enduring patience for the Cubs and the Packers (mostly the Cubs) and most of all they will know how much their mother loved him. But what kills me is that I won't get to see my dad hold them, play with them, do everything he did with me as a child with his grandchildren. I won't get to watch him grow old with my mom, and watch the love they share continue to grow.
I think this bothers me so much because I know what my children will go through, and what they will not know. I've grown up without a grandfather, and I always wanted to know him, but obviously never had a connection with him like I did my other grandparents and it is absolutely devastating to me to know that my children will never have that connection to my dad.
And lastly, the part of my heart that has broken the most is the one who sees my mom in so much pain. I can't find the right words to help her and I know I never will. I cannot comfort her, I cannot help her, I just have to be there, and usually that isn't enough. I hate that she has to go through this, that she feels the way she does, that her heart is hurting too...
With time our hearts will heal, but always missing parts that were filled by my dad. I guess it just makes you that much grateful for what you do have in life, and know that nothing is permanant, and never to take one single day for granted.
I know I'm all over the place, and being super cheesy but that's how I'm feeling tonight and don't think I need to explain myself :) Hope everyone is having a good night!
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