A Rough Patch...

The past week to two weeks I've hit what can only be explained as a rough patch...I've felt more overwhelmed, lost, depressed, and alone than I've allowed myself to be in a long time. But in feeling this way I realized how much all these feelings had been building up and how much I hid from those around me, especially my mom. I've also noticed how I let these feelings manifest themselves in my life...one example is the drama with my friends. I love them all to death but there is always pointless drama going on. I realized that I've let this all get to me too much and after talking with a friend who is not only older than me but is an amazing person...I realized that this drama is pointless and that I can't let it bother me...by letting it bother me I only create more drama and make myself feel worse. 

Another way I've noticed is that I'm controlling...very very controlling. I think I am because I hate that I really have no control over the big things in my life...but who does? So this is an apology to my friends for being too controlling, especially to someone specifically, you know who you are and I truly am sorry...

These two things aren't just the only things I've noticed but they are big things...things that tear me down even more than I already am. I'm trying so hard not to let them but it still happens. I can't even count how many times I've broken down because of how alone I've felt...I know I've got support coming out of my ears but the thing is...when you go through something like this you could have all the support in the world, but unless you've got that one person who is gone...you may as well not have anyone. I think that's something that a lot of my friends are starting to realize...maybe it is just me who feels like that but either way those around me are learning not to talk but to listen to me rant and cry and be frustrated with and hate life...because more than anything I want my Dad. I want him here...Everytime I'm doing something and I think..."Oh lemme go show Dad" or "I need to call/text Dad"...my heart drops the same way it did when we found out it was cancer...when we found out he wasn't going to beat it...when I got the call from my mom saying that it had happened. It's just as shocking, and heart breaking, and painful as when it happened if not even more...nothing they are going to say can help...just listening helps more than you think during this rough patch...