I miss all the little things...I never thought they'd mean everything to me...

The lyrics of one of my favorite songs have meant more to me these last 5 weeks than ever before. Every night I listen to Lifehouse's "From Where You Are" on repeat and am filled with all the emotions I can't seem to let go any other time. The phrase above, "I miss all the little things, I never thought they'd mean everything to me" has touched me more this week than in the past, maybe it's because I'm finally realizing that these things are never going to happen again, or maybe it's because I have to keep reminding myself...either way I'm compelled to make a list of the "little things" that I miss about my dad...

1. The sound of your footsteps behind mom's on the stairs at night

2. "Good Night Susan, Sleep Well" 

3. "DRIVE CAREFULLY"...every time I walked out the door. 

4. Your snore, even though it could rattle the house and keep me up at night. 

5. Hearing about up and coming cubs players, spring training, and whether or not you thought they were cute enough for me. 

6. When you'd get SO mad at Annie and swear at her in German

7. Speaking of Annie, your conversations with her. I think she misses them too. 

8. You and mom dancing in the family room, although I think mom misses that way more.

9. You waking up at 6am, even if it woke me up. 

10. Seeing you in your pj shorts, winter coat, and boots

11. The smell of hamburgers on the grill, even though it's deathly cold out. 

12. The creak of your bed when you sat on it. 

13. The way you read out loud

14. Being able to cuddle up to you when I'm upset, usually about a boy, and knowing there was one man on earth who wasn't an ass. 

15. Your hands, and how slow your skin went back when pinched and how mad you'd get when I did it! 

16. Driving in the car with you. Mostly when you were driving. 

17. Your pancakes...I always said moms were the best but you actually hold that title. 

18. Mornings before school 

19. Knowing there was always someone to bring whatever I forgot to school

20. Dinner dates when mom went out with her friends. 

This is seriously a short list, there are WAY more I just can't think of all of them...but anyway, I hate this new normal. I miss my dad more every day. There is nothing more I want than my Daddy, to hear him say one last time that everything is going to be okay, and that he loves me. 

2 Weeks and 4 Days

Two weeks and four days ago my dad passed away. Many would say he lost his fight with cancer but I disagree completely with that. My dad did not lose to cancer, he beat it and he won. Cancer pulls you down, drains you of life, and turns you into someone that is merely a shadow of your former person...in death, you become something wonderful, you become something even better than what you were on earth (which is hard to imagine my Dad being because he was already amazing). So in this short little update I'm not going to rant and preach about how my dad is free and healthy and happy and about how cancer lost (okay maybe I will a little, but it won't be too long). I'm just going to simply say, don't tell me that my dad lost, don't tell me that my dad is "gone forever", or that my parent's love/relationship is "over" because none of that is true...his life is just beginning.

My dad isn't gone, he's here. He's sitting right next to me infact asking me why the hell I'm not doing my marketing homework. Maybe I can't see him, but I know he's there. Or everytime I leave the house, I can still hear him say "drive safe!" that never stopped. Or everytime I'm upset by a stupid jerk guy, I can hear him say, "Susan...I told you to not date until you got married/turned 35" and I can feel his arms around me hugging me. Or everytime I hear our song ( My Girl by The Temptations) I can hear his heartbeat as I lean on his chest and feel myself sway with him to the beat of the music. My Dad is and will continue to be right beside me all the time.

The relationship that my parents HAVE and the love that they SHARE is still as strong as ever. They have been married almost 23 years, and on June 8th of this year we will celebrate their 23rd anniversary and they will begin their 24th year of marriage! When my parents are reunited in heaven, their love will be even stronger than it is now, and it will continue to grow each and every day for forever.

My dad fought the greatest battle that every human on earth fights..it's called life and he did NOT lose, he won. He won in every sense of the word and now gets to live in complete and utter bliss without pain or sadness or worry...and maybe in heaven theres a cubs team and maybe they win the world series every year...no matter what it's like up there my dad won his battle, and now gets to enjoy the fruits of his labor for the rest of eternity.